mistakes

I'm really not comfortable talking about some of my past mistakes. I've made quite a few. & honestly, I don't look at anything I've done in the past as a mistake. I think of it more as something I did that wasn't the best idea. There are a lot of things I chose not to do, and if I would have done them, biiiiggg mistakes would be in my life. Maybe even regrets. But because I am to tell you of my "favorite" mistake, it would have to be not trying in school freshman year. I didn't care about getting good grades or the effect it would have on my future. It was not until my sophomore year when I realized that I really should have tried. Now, actually, I do have a mistake. A big mistake. The biggest mistake of my life was letting go of the people that I shouldn't have let go of. I once let go of my dad. He had hurt me so many times, and I finally gave up. I left and kept him out of my life for too long. & by the time I realized it was a mistake, it was too late. He was gone and I couldn't get him back. Not for 6 months anyways. Now I have him back, and everyday I am reminded that I can't get that time back when I put him out of my life. Next, is my mom. On new years eve of 2013 into 2014, I was with 2 of the most loving people that I had in my life at the time. But a few minutes after midnight the whole world felt like it was crashing around me. I got some news that broke my heart into a million pieces. After that, I pretty much hated my mom more than words could ever explain. I even said once that I didn't love her. I never treated her right and I always put her down, even after she started trying to change. Finally, I changed my heart towards her. But just like with my dad, it was too late. My mom almost died and if she had, I would always have the burden and regret of how I treated her. Thankfully, my mom is still alive and she is fighting brain cancer. During the time things happened with my mom, I pushed away a lot of people just because I didn't care. I didn't care about anything really. I broke someones heart that didn't deserve it. I hurt them so badly. and then I went off and tried to forget about what I had done by doing something so beyond stupid.. which only made things worse. No big shocker huh? After doing that it was too late ONCE AGAIN, to make things right with someone. What I learned from this? I hate myself. I hate how I treated these people. I hate thinking about it. & mostly, I hate that I know I deserve all of this. I deserve to be hated. & I learned that I don't deserve forgiveness, so I decided to not even ask for it anymore. But from the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry to everyone that I've ever hurt.